Random Things to Do (or maybe not actually do)

Some of these things I’ve actually done, some I have not.

1.  While at a friend’s (or enemy’s) house, go take a dump, but rather than throwing the used toilet paper into the toilet, throw it into the trash can instead.

2.  Carry out a dating relationship almost entirely over instant messenger.  The initial asking out, sensual conversation i.e. “what size is your bra?”, and the breakup should all be done via ASCII text sent through the interweb.  The knowledge that your words are stripped down to hexadecimal data packets, sent a great distance, and then parsed and reconstructed before being presented to her can be particularly meaningful to her, and often times, heavily arousing.

3.  While heavily intoxicated, climb up into a  large, nest-like structure and make dove noises at old people that randomly happen to be walking by at 2 in the morning.  When they stop beneath you and look around trying to identify the source of the noise, try not to giggle like school girls.

4.  After leaving the bathroom, turn on the fan and say to your wife: “Well, I don’t think I topped yours, but it was still pretty good”

5.  Approach a girl that is sitting alone at the bar.  Don’t bother trying to hide your drunken state or attempt to say something smart, sensitive or thought provoking–Simply roughly pat her shoulder and say “Hey!!!”  If that doesn’t get her to ditch her boyfriend who’s in front of the mirror in the bathroom trying to get the perfect pop out of his collar, nothing will.

6.  Late into the night, the urinal lines in the bar men’s room can get a bit lengthy.  Although joining in on the camaraderie with the other occupants that you are all here with the same goal can be tempting, efficiency in this situation is crucial.  Speed things up by unzipping while you’re on deck.

7.  While on an amusement park ride that has a photo section, strip off all your clothes in time for the picture, and then put them back on before returning to the loading area.  Imagine all the kids with their parents excited waiting after the ride to see their picture on one of the monitors only to behold that unsolicited display.  There are varying levels of this one that receive different degrees of WTF? factor:

Newbie:  The Log Ride
Intermediate:  The Mamba
Expert:  Any inverted roller coaster

8.  Streak through Jazz in June.  Start back by the physics building, run up the north side, veer right, run right in front of the band, then down into the scupture garden, out the other side, and into a getaway car wating for you on R street.  (Gavin gets partial credit for the conception of this one)

9.  If you are a real-life douchebag, go to a douchebag themed party and see if anybody realizes that you’re the only one not faking it.  To be extra daring, make a giant martini in a giant martini glass and carry it around insisting that everyone take a drink from it cheering them on as they do so and sloshing it all over the floor while you fist pump.

10.  If, in eigth grade, the girl your age that lives accross the street calls you over and asks you in front of your friends if you know what a blow job is, and you honestly don’t, so you simply take your best context guess and say: “What, with cars?” only to be ridiculed, get her back years later by heading over when she’s outside and you haven’t talked to her in some time, and ask her loudly while her dad is within earshot cleaning the garage: “Remeber in eigth grade when you offered to give me a blow job?”