Do I have what it takes to be Atheist?

There comes a point in many a young person’s life, often during his or her quest for knowledge, that he/she may begin to question the existence of God.  He/she may be thinking that atheism sounds pretty good.  I mean, screw that deism bullshit–that stuff is for sissies, you’ve gotta go all or nothing on this (or none or everything).  Atheism is not to be taken lightly–after all, only the smartest, most sophisticated scholars are atheists.  If this is you, and you want to hang with the big wigs and piss Christians off by arrogantly talking loudly about your beliefs in public areas, here are some quick tips to help you determine if you’re cut out for atheism*.

1.  Don’t throw away your Bible.  You will need to study this more than you did as a Christian.  You don’t want to come off like some sort of dumb shit in front of well educated Christians.  Read it for contradictions, and stuff that doesn’t make any sense.  Leviticus is an excellent place to start.  You can find enough material in there to completely toss out the entire Bible’s validity.  You know what, don’t even read anything else–base all your arguments off of this one book.  Why waste your time right?  You’ve got sophisticated parties to go to.

2.  Trade in your faith for assumption.  You may have lost your faith in Jesus because he is so 33 A.D., but the smart scientist on the Discovery Channel says that it’s a fact that the entire universe formed when an atom farted so big that it created enough unstable matter to blow up into all the solar systems and galaxies.  He also says Christians are dumb which increases his validity tenfold.  Take pride in knowing that this is absolute fact because it has never been disproved, while the Bible contradicts itself at least 50 times–so you’ve heard.  Besides, Jimmy claims he farted out his own mini solar system back in the dorms freshman year, and this only strengthens the theory, I mean fact.

3.  If in doubt, search the news for stories about the most extreme “Christian” groups.  For instance, the guys that stand on the street corner waving signs that say “Fags must Die” or “God Hates Fags” are excellent material.  Or how about those Christian Scientists who let a young boy die from strep throat because they prayed for him rather than giving him medicine.  Once you’ve gotten enough material, refer back to your assumption skills from #2 and assume that all Christians are like this.  You’ll be an atheist to be reckoned with after this.

There you have it.  Take this advice, and you’ll be an atheist in no time.  Just remember:  all Christians are idiots who don’t believe in science.  Welcome to sophistication!

*Andrew is neither an Atheist nor is he at all qualified to give advice on how to become one.  His interests are only satire, amusement, and making himself sound bad ass by referring to himself in the third person as though an editor wrote this note.