Ignorance is Flirting

This past weekend, I went to Wells Fargo to deposit checks.  The drive-through at the Sugarhouse branch is unique in that there is no window to see the teller.  Instead, there is a camera and a little screen.  Thus, when the teller talks to you, you can see him/her on the screen just as they can see you on their screen.  It is horribly awkward.

Anyway, lately, that particular branch of Wells Fargo has been aggressively pushing their credit card on me each time I go (and each time in the drive-through, with the awkward “web-cam” scenario).  It’s ridiculous: I just want to deposit my checks, and they attack me like car salesmen.  Naturally, I tell them that I already have a credit card, to which they respond that it’s such a good offer and you need to have it so you can build your credit score.  Did you hear what I said?  I-ALREADY-HAVE-A-CREDIT-CARD!   Anyway, it’s really not that dramatic, but it’s funnier that way.

I have to confess that on this occasion, I did give in and concede to sign up for the stupid credit card.  The girl in the screen was quite excited.  “OK,” she says, “I just need your mother’s maiden name.”  So I tell her.  It’s German, it’s odd, naturally she’s confused.  “Can you spell it?” She says.  I spell it.  She still doesn’t get it.  She wants me to do it military style, or whatever it’s called.  As I begin, it occurs to me that I don’t do this often, and it does not come naturally.  I’m frantically trying to think of words to go with the letters: “L-uh…Love, O-Orangutan, E-everything,” and so on. 

By the time I finished, she was laughing her ass off.  I wasn’t embarrassed, it was pretty funny.  But then she says: “Aww, you’re so funny!”  I was taken aback.  I learned long ago that when a girl says: “You’re so funny”, she actually means: “I want to do you” (or maybe not quite that extreme, but still).  She asked me if I needed anything else, and I told her no.  Thus she sent out the canister with my receipt and 3 Dum-Dums.

I left the band somewhat confused.  This girl must have mistaken my awkwardness as an attempt to amuse her, and she obviously liked it.  All of this means nothing.  I’m a married man—I have no intention or desire to go around picking up bank tellers by struggling to spell my mother’s maiden name.  It did make me realize, however, that at least 90% of the successful flirting I’ve done in my life was oblivious luck.  Any time I was actually trying to flirt tended to be largely  unsuccessful.  I refer to the over-referenced “Your nuts are delicious” line I used to accidently catch the attention of the girl who would become my first serious girlfriend senior year of high school.  Then of course, there’s the countless beds I shared (hey, it beats the floor), bras I unclasped just to demonstrate how fast I could do it (as a young boy with the mind of an engineer, I analyzed the mechanism to determine the most efficient way of removing it), and suck-and-blow games I played in which I pulled the card away at the last minute (OK, maybe that one was intentional flirting).

When I became interested in Tara, I pulled out every trick in my book, and they all seemed to fail.  I tried to be smooth and kiss her neck, but she was wearing a hoodie (and we were under the table at one of the famous fort parties my roommates and I threw).  I tried to be romantic, and kiss her on the couch, but when I tried to transition from “vertical” to “horizontal”, a blanket fell over her face. I tried to wow her with my lighting fast bra removal skills, but, for the first time ever, I could not get the damn thing off (at least not lighting fast, anyway).  Unintentionally, I imagine all this worked in my favor.  I’m sure she was less interested in “Andrew, the Master Seducer”, and more interested in “Andrew, the cute guy that honestly tries, but clumsily misses”.

Anyway, all I’m really trying to say is, if you want to pick up that cute bank teller, use the words, Love, Orangutan, and Dynamite in the same sentence.  This will get you at least 4 Dum-Dums for sure!  Go back the next day and tell her you’d like to deposit your Dum-Dum, and ask her how much interest it would gain in a mutual fund.  You’re in!